Morbid Opportunities or Wasted Time

Sometimes....sometimes it'll be quiet outside of my body and in the recesses of mind. Sometimes I'll look at my family, or the computer in my room and realize how lucky I am. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't been born with the ability to see, hear, or breathe on my own. Sometimes my ability to even see these small/huge privileges seems like a privilege of itself. Maybe that's why I like walking or taking the bus. I look at those things from the other end of spectrum. How many people would love to walk? Or would love to have somewhat affordable public transportation open to them? If the biggest thing I have to worry about is whether or not I'm going to be late for school, then I consider myself to be lucky.

I'm not a religious person though I am somewhat spiritual. For whatever reason I have this image in my head of how everyone is handed an equal amount of something at the beginning of their existence. This to me explains why some people have 99.9% averages but no social skills, so on and so forth. Sometimes I look at my situation and think, "I have too much something. I'm not meant to have all this, and one day the scales will be set to balance each other out and I will lose some or a lot of my something." This scares me and sets me on edge. Don't get misunderstand me though. I don't mean a nervous edge, the type I would teeter or titter over before falling over. No, the edge I feel and see is one of undefinable distance. My life right now is at one side and that edge is my death. Or maybe the death of my mother, father, or sisters. Basically that edge is the end of time of something. I have no amount of guaranteed time with anything or anyone in my life. When I see this edge and when I realize that I can't tell how close or far away this edge is that means I'll start to feel a push. I need to find someone I love and soon. Since I spend so much time at home this usually means it'll be one of my sisters or parents. I don't explain this edge or that push to them. I'll just hug them, give them a kiss and say I love them. If a horde of zombies were to come in at that instant I need to know that they know with every fiber of their existence that I do love them.

Realistically I can't spend all my time thinking about this something. Maybe this has more to do with what I think I deserve than with philosophically cherishing the time I have. Maybe it's both.

Just thought you should know.

Energy, Anticipation, and all those other Sweet and Bubbly sticky things

I have this little breathing, excited, and palpable creation/person/or thing fueling me these days. When I manage to prove to myself that I'm capable of an infinite list of things, this creation breathes a little harder and its' heart beats a little faster. I can feel it growing and moving (no I'm not pregnant....) and I think this creation is what gives me the faith to believe that 2009 will really be two thousand and divine in my own personal history books. I don't know this creature's origin or purpose. I definitely don't know if this creation's life is meant to last for long but I'm excited regardless. This feeling of accomplishment makes my palms sweaty and my mouth all dry. I've been comfortable being uncomfortable for so long that I can't completely fathom what it would it be like for me to be euphorically successful. I'm growing in love with all the divine possibilities that could develop into my life. Am I really capable of being awake while I dream (live)? The fact that the answer to that question has more than a sliver of a chance of being yes gets me restless. My body literally reacts to these thoughts. As I type this my hands keep going to my knees to relieve them of their sweat. I feel like I want to run onto the sky or fall asleep and meet an old friend (who is most likely a fictional character). I wonder what this feeling is called because I am sure it cannot be contained, described, or understood by others in a single word.

Is this creature just me growing up? Maybe I'm finally (finally) harboring some self-esteem. Whatever it is I like it. 

Do you have any creatures of your own?

Thinking, Think, Thought

Anorthoscope: Joseph Plateau: Early Visual Media - Pre-cinema - Optical toys

Old and new and blue and black. No periods are allowed in these, but I'll bend the rules. Someone/something/some guy burned or rusted the edges of this (picture). I see something tiny in the right bottom corner, I wonder what it says? Can you see can I see? I wish I could see what this guy is wearing, black mysterious coat paired with a kind of leery look gives me this feeling. This=curious. Ha this makes no sense, but what sense does sense make? I spot a blue fire in some places in this picture. If i tilt my head and close my eyes I'll find strange faces making themselves known to me somewhere here. I'll train myself to make interesting facial expressions/sentences/statements one day.

.............

That is/this is what I think when I see this picture.

What do you think?


Free Writing